We live our lives far too often just worrying about the present. We often forget that both the past and future should be part of our decision making process. It can be something as small as the decision to eat dessert to something as complicated as whom we should marry.
It isn’t easy to admit this, but I have probably lived most of my life worrying more about potential regrets than potential rewards. We tend to forget our triumphs and remember the failures that turn into regrets.
I’m sure you all have regrets in life, I know I do. One of the questions that I always ask people when I am interviewing them for a job is, “What is your biggest failure in life.” I really don’t care about what the failure is, but more about how they dealt with that failure. If I get the answer, “I really don’t feel that I have had failures as I have learned from my mistakes,” they immediately get crossed off my list. If you cannot deal with and admit to failure, you are not going to be successful in life.
One of my biggest failures in life was my inability to get through Engineering School. In the end, it was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me as I would have been miserable as an engineer. I think the recovery that I made from that failure is one of the things that makes me who I am. Certainly a failure, but not a regret.
Shortly after that, I stumbled into my second biggest failure and that was my first marriage. I was naïve and probably not as experienced in relationships as I could have been at that stage of my life. Certainly a setback at the age of 24, but again not the end of my world. If you would have asked me at the time would I have regretted the decision to marry, I would have said yes. If you would ask me that question today, I would have a much different response.
After Ann and I divorced, I took my time finding the right woman the second time around. In fact, it took me a full decade to find the love of my life. It wasn’t always easy traversing those years, but in the end it was worth it. Do I have regrets from those years? You bet! Not so much who I dated, but some of the decisions I made along the way and some of the mistakes I made in how I ended relationships.
Was my marriage a failure? That is an easy answer, but I would never regret the experiences that formed me over the next 10 years.
If there is one great regret in my life, it happened when I was still turning into an adult. I was 22, just graduated from college and soon to be married. I was too much about me and not enough about others. You would think at 22 I would be smart enough to understand the world around me, but sadly, I didn’t. It was during that time that my mother was fighting a losing battle with cancer.
It was a very different time when there were not many tools to fight cancer. She had half of one lung removed, but no chemotherapy or radiation. She was withering away to little more than skin and bones, but I was too blind to see what was happening. Soon she would be dead and I was content to stay 90 miles away and live my life like nothing was happening. As a result, I never really got to spend the time with her at the end and tell her the things that I should have. Even saying “I love you” was difficult for me at the time, let alone all of the thanks I should have given her. I miss her to this day. It is difficult to replace the unconditional love of your mother. In her eyes, I was perfect despite all of my flaws.
Knowing my mother, I’m sure it hurt her a great deal, but I’m also sure she forgave me before she died. The thing is, I still haven’t forgiven myself. It is 36 years later and I think about it constantly. It is probably why I have lived much of my life avoiding regrets.
I often have conversations with Justin and Jason about regrets and how terrible they can be. Do not let opportunities slip by in life because they often do not return. I let one slip away that I wish I hadn’t. Don’t make the same mistake.
I loved your mother. I remember how sad I was when I learned she had died at a relatively young age. If I had been involved in your life then, I would have whopped you upside of the head and told you to get yourself home.
ReplyDeleteI moved home shortly after my father had a heart attack when I was 22. I don't know what that move did to me (ultimately) professionally; but I have never regretted it as there were only two years left. I am so glad I had those two years with him!