May 22, 2010 Empty Nesters Revisited

As a follow-up to the May 7 installment of Empty Nesters (Almost), I wanted to go back in time a bit and talk a bit about when the boys were younger and thought I was a lot smarter. One of the rituals that we followed for years was taking the boys to University of Dayton basketball games. It was always more than just a game. Very often we would stay after weekend games so that the boys could get autographs. Certainly food was always an important aspect of the trip either before, during or after. On weekends we would have time to select a nice restaurant to eat. However, on the weekdays, it was another story.

This all got me to thinking about an article that I wrote for UDPride.com in 1999 when Jason was six years old. I have written hundreds of articles for UDPride, but there was one that really stood out. It was one that I wrote from Jason’s point of view. I think we forget what we enjoy about our children, especially when it is actually happens. I believe that you will understand what I am talking about after you read the article. As a help, when Jason “talks” about Rudy, he is referring to the UD mascot.

From UDPride.com circa 1999….

I have gone to so many UD basketball games that they all seem to run together. We win some and we lose some. I still drive home and go to work the next day no matter what the outcome. I’ve often wondered if going to a game is any different to my six-year-old. What you will read in the next few paragraphs is a six-year-old’s thoughts surrounding a UD game.

I don’t know why my dad is in such a hurry. He’s always yelling at me to hurry up because we have a long drive to get to see the Flyers play basketball. Sometimes the ride seems to take forever and other times it seems like I get in the car and all of a sudden we are home and my dad is carrying me up to my bed. On the way down my mom sits in the back seat with me so my brother and I do not get in trouble but on the way home we can both sit in the back because he usually falls asleep.

When we get to the game, my dad lets me get a hot dog, a pretzel and a coke. Mom says that it is not a very good dinner but I think it’s pretty great. They have the best hot dogs at the games, better than Mom makes. My brother doesn’t like hot dogs, he’s pretty weird. I really like it at the beginning of the game when they play that song with the “let’s get ready to rumble.” My dad really yells it out loud and kind of dances around, I think it is called disco or something. Finally the game gets started and I ask my dad where Andy Metzler is. He says that he isn’t on the team anymore, which is too bad because he was my buddy and I always got his autograph.

My hot dog is pretty good but my dad didn’t get any ketchup on it. He makes a face when I tell him I need some. He says wait until a timeout, but I told him it would be cold by then. He gets up and says excuse me to about 700 people. When he finally gets back, the Flyers have scored 10 straight points and he didn’t see any of them. Even though he didn’t see them he still is happy. But not for very long because somehow my pop gets knocked on the floor and all of it spills on my dad’s shoes. I know we are beating the bad guys, but I’m not sure by how much. I get done with my hot dog and ask my dad if I can have a sucker. He says no. My brother spills his popcorn and starts crying like a baby and I laugh.

Just when I was starting to get bored, I saw Rudy. Rudy is pretty cool. My mom bought one of the Rudy shirts for me a couple of games ago. I hope Rudy sees me so we can get our picture taken together. I wish I could get some other stuff at the souvenir stand. They have some really cool stuff, but my dad won’t let me get one of those big fingers. I’m looking for Rudy and somebody dunks the ball and everybody jumps up and yells. I can’t see anything so my mom holds on to me when I stand up on the seat. I still can’t see anything, but that’s OK, because my dad is on his way back with two suckers for my brother and me. He asks me what all the screaming was about and I tell him I don’t know. All of a sudden it’s halftime and I have to go to the bathroom so my dad has to stand outside the little room and guard it so no one can come in. He keeps asking me if I’m done because the second half has started, but some things just take longer than others.

I don’t know why but my dad keeps covering has face and saying words he never lets me say. I’m not sure what the score is, but we must be losing. My tummy is really starting to hurt a lot, my dad said not to drink that Coke so fast. I tell him that I feel sick and my mom tells him that he should go out in the car and get the Pepto Bismol chewables. He says that it is her turn, but he ends up going anyway. He finally comes back with the Pepto Bismol, but I tell him that my stomach is OK now and I really don’t like the pill kind. He again says those words I’m not allowed to say.

My dad says that there is only 2 minutes left in the game, but I really have to pee. I try to hold on but I just can’t, so I tell him again that I really have to go. He says some words that I have never heard before and we get up and he says excuse me to about 700 more people. Some of those people say some of the words that I am not supposed to say to my dad. We get to the bathroom and for some reason, there isn’t anybody there. They must be watching the game or something. Well, when we finally get back out to see what is going on, this loud buzzer goes off and everybody is yelling and screaming. I guess I took too long in the bathroom.

It’s a Saturday night, so I get to stay and get some autographs. It is really neat to ask the guys for their autograph. I have about 3 million at home. My dad says they will be worth a lot of money some day. I don’t always know which guys to ask, so I just go up to the really tall guys and hand them my program and pen. I sometimes just give it to the same guys my brother does. After a while, my dad gets tired of waiting and says we have to go.

On the way out to the car, my dad said something to my mom about getting a babysitter for the next game. I don’t know why because I had a great time. My dad said something about us winning, but I’m not sure.

When it is all said and done this was one of the more enjoyable times in my life. What I would do to just relive one of those experiences. Enjoy today for today. It may seem to be hard to get through every day at times, but when you look back it always seems much easier. Enjoy your kids and grandkids while they are young. It is an experience that is hard to match.

May 7, 2010 Empty Nesters (Almost)

This last Saturday night Julia and I got a taste of what it will be like as empty nesters. It was just a small taste, but a taste indeed. For some reason, now that Justin is in college, he has become a popular prom date. In the matter of about seven days, he was asked to three proms. Due to the inflated cost of renting a tux, he was limited to one. He had a great time, was the designated driver after the party bus and actually did a pole dance (but that is another story.)

Jason now has new emancipation due to his approval by the state of Arizona to be able to drive a car by himself. He went over to a friend’s house and stayed all night. As a result, it was just Julia and me on our own.

After snapping pictures of Justin and his date, we decided to grab something to eat at Tempe Marketplace. It was enjoyable just sitting there, people watching and eating the good food. It’s not that we don’t enjoy the company of the boys, it just seems like as the years have gone on we have spent less and less time as a couple.

When the boys were young, we would have a “date night” just about every week. One of the advantages of being involved with Junior Achievement was that I had a good deal of contact with high school students and usually was able to find babysitters on a regular basis.

Over the last several years, we have given up our freedom to become taxi drivers. When the boys were young, they were fine with staying home. Going to a friends house at night was far more uncommon that common. Over the last few years, that has turned 180 degrees. Now, everyone else’s house is always more fun than ours. This was even the case when we had a foosball table, air hockey, an indoor basketball hoop and darts in our lower level. The only kids that liked to play that stuff were friends of the boys when they actually would have them over.

Until Justin could drive and now Jason, we had to take them to these places so much more wonderful than our house. As a result, we would have to take them there and then bring them home. So much for a leisurely dinner and a movie. Their timing would always run into ours.

But now, it is a different story. I hardly even know what Justin looks like. Thank goodness that we had the family pictures taken, so I could remind myself of his features. College has brought him many more opportunities to “hang” with friends. If it wasn’t for the unthinking curfew that we still have for him, he’d never be home.

Jason has also been working on his “hanging” game. Before, he was satisfied with staying home or going over to a friend’s once a weekend. Now that he has wheels, no one comes to our house. I still know what he looks like because his curfew is even more unthinking and he actually has to be home before the car turns into a pumpkin. But I’m sure that will change soon, too.

So, it is now just me and my lovely bride. We will now not have to ask Justin what a certain movie was like (He sees them all 15 minutes after they come out.) We will actually be able to see them ourselves first. In addition, we can pick a restaurant that suits our needs, not the needs of the boys. Tonight we are going shopping for patio tables. We can do that to our schedule. I almost feel like we are dating again.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having the boys around. The day that they move out will be two of my hardest. Hearing that you have cancer is one thing, but watching your kid move out is at a whole ‘nuther story. Those are days that I am not looking forward to. You think moms cry when their daughters get married, I’ll make them look like amateurs.

However, in the meantime, Julia and I can start acting like we did 20 years ago. Not sure I can afford that though.

May 2, 2010 Will You Remember Me?

There are many things that motivate us in life. For some it is money or position or just having things. For others it is doing for others. I think for most though, that motivation can change as we begin to understand our mortality. All of a sudden here is one question that we all ask ourselves and that is “Will I be remembered?”

Two weeks ago, the boys and I traveled to Columbus for a number of reasons but number one on the list was to get family pictures taken. All of Julia’s family was to meet in Columbus on Saturday to be photographed. Julia’s mom, Fran, wanted to get the family together and I was 100% behind her. I’m not sure if her motivation was the same as mine but before I went into the hospital for my transplant, I wanted to make sure that there was a recent picture of me and the rest of the family. There was a very small chance that I could die from the chemo or an ensuing infection and I wanted to be remembered as I was, should that happen.

There are a small number of people that will be remembered for their feats long after they pass from this earth. Actors, actresses, singers, politicians and history makers of other sorts such as Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes Booth and Attila the Hun will all long be remembered for what they did. Other’s may do it through their success in certain fields or by how much money they donate for certain causes. The rest of us will never have books written about us or have our songs or speeches replayed after we die. We have to be remembered for the small things that we did.

When I die, I know that there will not be a mention on the evening news or an article in the paper. A year later, they will not be coming out with songs I recorded years ago that weren’t good enough to sell at the time but are now thought good enough because I am dead. My family will not be able to sell my image for millions of dollars. The only people that will remember me are the ones that I personally touched through my life.

As I get closer to that time, I wonder if I have made a difference? Have I changed people’s lives for the better? Don’t get me wrong, this is not a call for an outcry of what a great guy I am. This is a question that only I can answer. I think I am a good dad and a decent husband but I wonder beyond that what have I changed?

In our lives, we touch dozens of people every day. Some are no more than a “hi” while others may be far more intense. If you are in a position such as a minister or coach or guidance counselor, the opportunities can be endless. For those of us that are not in “people” type positions, that “touching” is a little more difficult.

I think I have done some things over the years that I am proud of. I was associated with Junior Achievement for 20 years. I taught over 1,000 kids and I helped provide over $50,000 in scholarships to dozens of those students through fund raising. I think that I have helped a few kids with my coaching on the ball field although there are a few dads that might argue that point.

I guess more important than that are the little things that we all do to people that we don’t even know. I have never been a waiter, but I have noticed when I ask a waiter or waitress how they are doing they not only seemed surprised that I asked but are very happy that I did. I have always tried to be nice to people in all walks of life. I am just as friendly to the people that do the housekeeping at work as I am the Vice Presidents.

I don’t know that it matters one way or another to them, but I try to appreciate what all people do, no matter what their station in life is. Am I making a difference in anyone’s life by doing this, I don’t know, but I can only hope.

I started writing this blog to get the news out about what I was going through, but I eventually had some other motivation. I was hoping that I could get people to get a physical every year. I think I have had some success, but how many of you reading this have had one in the last 12 months? If I hadn’t gotten one, I might not be here to write this. I also wanted to possibly help some other people that were suffering from an illness and show them that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Disease, no matter how difficult, can be defeated.

But I think the biggest reason that I wrote this blog was to have something left behind when I was gone. I want my kids to remember me for something other than grounding them for life every once in a while. Or for making them clean their room at least once or twice a month. I really wanted them to see me in a different light than they do everyday.

Before my dad died, I had him sit down and talk about his life. I videoed seven hours of him talking about his life and his thoughts. Every once in a while I pull that out and watch a bit of it. I wish I could have done the same thing for my mother. At least he spends a good deal of his time talking about her. It is something that keeps me connected and helps me remember them.

What I hope is that I have done that with a few people over the years and that I will be remembered when I die, if that is tomorrow (you never know when you might get run over by a bus) or in 25 years. I hope I am remembered for being a good person that might have changed a few lives for the good. Keep those thoughts in mind when you go to bed tonight. What did you do to make someone’s life just a little better today? When it is your time, you may want to be remembered, too.